We need to talk about The Walking Dead

Posted by in Skinny Cardio (Lighthearted)

You watch The Walking Dead right? I would presume so, else why are you here. Anyway, we need to talk about it before the next season starts. And talk about why you shouldn’t watch it.

I shouldn’t watch The Walking Dead!? What!

The Walking Dead

The Barely Limping Dead

Ok, that’s a bit harsh. You are allowed. I guess. But it’s a matter of life or death that you do not watch it on the premiere. The makers of the show have a weird arrogance about their so-called “TV Show”. They think it’s too big to fail. They think they can do anything they want, and the mindless horde (that’s you, not the zombies) will eat it up like Kobe beef in a truffle-flavoured asshole.

Spoiler alert.

Let’s get some context. The last season, Season 6, was a bit boring. The whole season was a slow burn build up to Negan; the guy with the baseball bat. The show’s exec’s spent the entire season bragging about how dope the end of the season will be. Basically, Negan arrives and uses a bat to bludgeon one of your favourite characters to death. Now, sure, this hardly seems like something to be upset about not happening. But I am upset. Deal with it. The problem was that right at the end of the boring season, when the one thing they were building to was about to happen, the exec’s thought it would be funny to hold off what they promised for the premiere of the next season… I.e.: They didn’t show anyone being killed. Or at least, they didn’t show us WHO got killed. Bastards. Murder is upsetting if you don’t see it.

Isn’t that called a “cliff-hanger”?

Yes. It is. I’d give you a treat for knowing that, but I don’t have one. Soz. And in a normal situation, I guess that would be fine, cliff-hangers are staple diet in Hollywoodland. TV shows do this often to get you to watch the next season. It’s a cheap tactic, and I hate it though. If it was a person, I would name it Glenn and beat it to death with a baseball bat.

You see, the problem is that it’s not good story-telling. A “season” should be a story arc. It should be a self-contained unit. Sure, you need to watch previous seasons to know the character development (unless it’s an Anthology), but they should close the thread before the next season, because the next season should start a new thread. It’s basic string theory.

And what has made everyone mad is the fact that they didn’t just do a cliff hanger, they basically lied and said it wasn’t going to be, and then at the last minute decided to make it a cliff-hanger.

The message was basically this: There is no way our show will be cancelled, no matter what we do, so we are going to be dicks. If we could, we would open your TV and piss down your throat, but they haven’t invented that technology yet, so we are doing this instead. Their words.

So why shouldn’t I watch the first episode on the night?

Glad you asked. It would be hilarious if the ratings for the Season 7 premiere were really really bad. I’m talking Heroes Season 4 bad. Just to pop their little invincible bubble.

Also. The Walking Dead is pretty dull at story-telling, so you aren’t missing much. They settle in somewhere, someone tries to disrupt their place, they struggle, Rick wins the day by being the good guy (even though in any other story he’d be the bad guy). Throw in some farming and the occasional arm being chopped off and you have the plot.

Anyway. Forget the date October 23, 2016 . Hmm, not sure why I told you it if I wanted you to forget it. Reverse psychology?