The Definitive Guide To Brexit And The EU Referendum

Posted by in Skinny Cardio (Lighthearted), writing

Are you confused about Brexit? Does the very thought about The Referendum make your brain go into a tizzy? Well you’ve come to the wrong place. I recently have gotten into riddles, in a big way. Because riddles are a lost art, and I am on a one man mission to bring them back again. Let’s get at it.

Spoiler Alert: We left the EU.

The Definitive Guide To Brexit And The EU Referendum

The Definitive Guide To Brexit And The EU Referendum

Yea, so if you were queuing up the Brexit news, hoping to binge read it all Netflix style, I might have just spoilt the cliffhanger for you. Britain has Exited the EU. See ya, you tanned  bastards, we outta here. And it doesn’t seem like we’re planning on doing a Jon Snow and coming back next season either (I guess spoiler warning there too, my bad. At least I didn’t spoil the end of the current season.. I could, but I won’t. Or will I…)

Who’s fault is it?

So, if you are thinking Brexit was a bad idea, then you are definitely looking for someone to blame. And you’re in luck, there is someone to blame, a whole nation of someones in fact. It’s those dress-wearing, haggis eating, Braveheart loving Scottish folk up north. You might be thinking, Scotland unanimously voted to Remain, what you on about Kris. But that’s besides the point. Let me tell you what you should be focusing on.

England loves them some tradition. They love things the old way. Have you ever walked through the streets of Cambridge? It’s like a bloody Dickens novel, for crisp steaks! We still have a queen for goodness sakes. We have guys dressing up like the Nutcracker for crying on a cake! What do you think this is, England, Game of Thrones? Point is, England would have kept things the way they were until the fish people took over. But then Scotland came along. Rebellious middle child Scotland. Scotland was all “Screw you guys, we’re moving out” (remember that?). And as all teenage outbursts inevitably end, they stayed and nothing changed… Way to follow through Scotland. Although, actually, everything changed. It put the seed in the minds of the old-fashioned Northerners. All of them started cackling “Ai lass, we ‘n move ou’ the Air Ooo“. And the dominoes fell. The tiny little northern folk spoke, and we left the EU. Thanks a lot Scotland. Now they have to build a wall between ROI and NI.

What are the pros and cons?

With any decision, there always comes an inevitable discussion about pros and cons. Ugh, you guys are so predictable. Seriously, be better. Be spontaneous for once in your life. Take a random trip to France.. Oh, um. Probably check if you need a visa first, apply, and take a spontaneous trip in 6 weeks time when the visa arrives.

Your negativity bias probably needs some feeding, because I have been super positive in this post so far. Let’s dive straight into the cons.

Cons of leaving the EU

Should this be a bullet list? I think so. It seems appropros. Lock and load boys.

  • Bananas are gonna suck now. I read this somewhere, or I might have dreamt it, either way it’s absolutely 100% a fact. I sometimes predict the future in my dreams, so there is a good chance I can also predict the quality of future bananas in my dreams. That’s science.
  • The wall just got 10 feet higher. Ok, so if we aren’t part of the EU anymore, that means ROI is now not really our friend anymore (thanks for fighting for us in WW2 btw). And those drunk bastards are definitely going to need some physical barrier stopping them from waltzing over on up to NI. So we have to hire Trump to come build us a wall too. And as you know, Trump is banned in the UK. Who are we gonna get to do it, the Polish? That just seems like salt, right in the vertical wound. Maybe the Chinese, they have experience with this sort of thing.
  • Speaking of Trump. Americans. They are going to keep calling British people “Europeans”. This is gonna anger the Northerners. And then we will have a war, with pasties and pitch forks. You know Trump is gonna launch a nuke at us, he’s itching to find a reason to. And England is pretty small, we’re all getting a third arm growing out of our face. Thanks Obama!

Pros of leaving the EU

  • Remember the last time you came back from a holiday? You were sunburnt, grumpy, poor and just wanted to get through airport security and get home. But instead you had to contend with long lines and thousands of tiny Vladimirs, Anuskas and whatever the french version of Peters are. Now that we have cut that EU cord, we don’t queue in the same area as them sausage loving golden nuggets. The UK line is gonna be you, the Queen and the occasional bowls player. That line is gonna move hella quick, besides the zimmer frames, but even then, they have tennis balls on the bottom for slick gliding. It’ll be like Christmas, on ecstasy.
  • The English are a nostalgic race. We know this. But things are great nowadays and with the invention of cellphones and polio vaccines (an American did that), we were rapidly running out of things to be nostalgic about. But now, the currency is going down the toilet, the channel tunnel will flood and all of our hard working low paid immigrants are going to leave with their perfect bananas (I can’t stress enough how much we need to focus on the banana topic). And this is great news for Nostalgia. The past never looked so good. Take that, electric cars and vegans.

I am not done talking about the wall

Ok, so what a hassle; building a wall between ROI and NI. And, now that I think about it, we can’t actually ask the Chinese. We already owe them so much money as it is and you just know their rates are going to be RIDIC now that the Pound sucks balls. Plus, the Irish are a nimble folk, they would be able to mountain goat jump straight over any wall we’d be able to build, so it’s a pointless exercise.

Here’s a better plan. Are you listening David Cameron (he’s still in charge right?). Let’s get ROI to come back into the UK knife party. There might be a spare room opening up soon… The Scottish teenager is threatening to leave again. Let’s say, and you’re welcome to copy paste my words David: Ok Scotland, before you vote AGAIN on whether you want to stay or leave, we’re kicking you out. You’re out, ROI is in. Suck on them haggises (whats the plural?).

Let’s summarise: Brexit and The Referendum

Ok, we have covered a lot here. And I am sure your face is just about to explode from all of the quality information I have thrown your way. I get it. It’s a lot of quality information. The quality is outstanding. Literally everything I have just jizzed into your mind is thick with gold, oozing out quality and knowledge spunk. Just, thick. Let me do you a solid and summarise it into a neat little package. Number points seem like a good idea for this.

  1. The referendum is over. The results are in. Europe lost. Sorry Europe. You got picked last in gym class. You’re the weakest link, goodbye. The UK won then? Um, not really. There are no winners or losers. Except Europe, Europe lost.
  2. Winter is coming. The worst is yet to come. Red wedding. Dragons.
  3. World War Three. England vs Europe vs America (ROI is abstaining, way to pick a side Irish).
  4. Don’t panic. Calm the eff down. Is it as bad as people are crying about? No. Is anything going to change? No, everything will be exactly the same. Stop blowing it out of proportion. At least you can still howl about it. There are some less fortunate souls out there, watch this.

But what about the bananas?

I know, I was also wondering that. So I researched it for you, you lazy bastard. You’re welcs.

EDIT: I was going to provide the link, but when I actually read it, it was talking about how nothing is going to change with our bananas. So I am just going to accidentally omit the link, as I would then have to go back and change everything in this post about bananas, because, turns out, it has all been a lie. And about 90% of this post was actually about bananas. So it’s way too much hassle. But you’re not reading this low down, so we’re good. You still believe the bananas are going to be bad now. You’re probably stressing. Hahahaha, such a poor little human, veins popping out, sweat dripping from your brow. Just panting with worry. That huge smile on your face… Oh.. oh gross! You’re not stressing! You’re.. gross! Stop that, that is NOT what the internet is for. Have you no dignity? Shame!