The Tale Of The Safari Guide
29-May-2016

Posted by in Skinny Cardio (Lighthearted), videos

You know I went to South Africa recently right? Don’t answer that. In my experience, these blog posts are generally a one way thing, you’ll look like a fool.
I took Hannah on holiday to South Africa as a birthday present. And as much as spending that much time with her was the absolute best thing in the entire world, I am just not cut out for economy class flights; this was made very clear to me.
There are obvious reasons, like for instance I don’t wanna be surrounded by so many cattle class scum and also the fact that I have a natural pull towards extravagance and expensive tastes, I was obviously a perfume merchant in a previous life. Here, smell me. I smell amazing. That can’t be a coincidence.
Do you ever, during a long haul flight, have to battle a very real urge to murder the fat stranger in the aisle seat next to you, the aisle seat you specifically chose in the seat selection of your booking, every second that passes making that murderous rage bubble up because she has turned the other way and her ass is touching you, when you don’t like to be touched, let alone by fat strangers. Do you fantasise about how you’d murder her, like perhaps wrapping the cord of her headphones around her neck while she’s asleep, waiting for the oxygen to drain out of her fat mcdonalds eating face, and just let her fall off the chair into nothingness, and then have the entire three seats shared between you and the person you’re travelling with… Yea me neither, I was asking for a friend.

VIDEO PICKS UP FROM HERE

Part of Hannah’s present was a little safari trip to see the big five, we saw about 4. I asked the dude who was taking us on the safari how many excursions he does a week. He said usually 3 or 4. This was 2 weeks ago, so he probably isn’t with us anymore. RIP. Let me tell you why I think that.
At one point he stopped to show us a tree. He sticks his key deep into the bark above his head, allowing the sap to squirt out. Then he began to explain how the sap of this particular tree is extremely poisonous. If it gets in your eye, you’re definitely blind, and if you don’t wash it out immediately, you’re dead.
You can bet that if he managed to endanger himself with a tree, a trip into a tight space with monsters might pose some threats too. That brings me onto our next stop; the lion enclosure. You know lions right, big scary animals. King of the jungle, not the jungle, they don’t live in the jungle. King of something. Anyway, point is, they’re not to be messed with.
Safari Sam drives us, no windows or door or anything, into the domain of the most dangerous animal in africa, besides the mosquito. Then he says, and I quote, he likes us, and he wants us to get some good photos. He drives right between 10 of the biggest sleeping lions the world has to offer. Occasionally making the lions mad by forcing them to get up and move out of the way. The lions look angrily at me, as if I am the crazy sunnavabich testing their zen, but then they settle, crisis averted, and fall into a deep “we’ll give you a free pass this time” sleep. Our fearless guide was not having this. He goes, “watch this” and then revs the engine to give these monsters the fright of their lives, who then justifiably spring into “kill the intruder” mode.
I get the feeling that these particular lions are one day going to snap and eat this guy and all of the tourists with him. Luckily for you, my devoted fan, that was not how my day ended.
And so, I went to South Africa and was not killed. Not even once. I call that a victory.
Here’s the video:
The Tale Of The Safari Guide

The Tale Of The Safari Guide