As the villainous type, you could say I am biased towards cats, which is fine. And considering you’re on my site, you were bound to get some of my opinions. However, this list actually doesn’t contain any bias. These facts can all be scientifically proven, just ask Schrödinger.
25 reasons why cats are better than dogs
For millions of years (how long ago were those Egyptian people building pyramids?) cats have been seen as cool. Whether it’s comparing the stealthiest of burglars to them or naming the best kind of naps after them, cats are well and truly the kings of our pets. Don’t get me wrong. Dogs are pretty cool. They are the very definition of happy. They are always so jazzed to see us, they love when we spend time with them, they are pretty good at guarding us when the baddies want to come steal our things… but why are they not as cool as cats? This is the age-old question that has plagued mankind. The cure for cancer? Psshhh. The meaning of life? Boring. The recipe for KFC? Yesterday’s news.
Without further ado, let’s get straight onto the list, shall we? We shall.
They don’t cry when you leave
Dogs are babies. Everyone knows that. They cry when you leave, they cry when you put them outside, they cry when there’s lightning a million miles away. Cats are wholeheartedly indifferent to humans. Most of the time they prefer being outside, and to be honest, if they don’t need you to feed them, they probably won’t care less if you leave or stay.
Dogs are a lot of things, but stealthy is not one of them. A cat could sneak up on you in a room of mirrors. A cat can catch birds, and birds can fly. The best a dog can hope for is to accidentally trip over a bird that was running away from a cat.
They can catch snakes
Yes, snakes. You know those monsters that you have nightmares about? Those creatures that God made the MOST crafty of all the creatures? Yea, cats spit in the face of them. Which is something they probably stole from certain snakes, just to show their indignance. The only time you’d know your dog has had a run in with a snake is if it looked sad and had a giant paw.
They know the difference between a human leg and viable sexual partner
I know dogs have a really good sense of smell, but does that mean, to compensate, their eyesight is so bad that a human leg somehow looks like a sausage dog standing on it’s hind legs, wrapped in a trouser? The more likely explanation is that they just get too excited and can’t control themselves. Cats are the picture of control, except when it comes to catnip.
They’ve tricked the humans into providing them with drugs
Who’s ever heard of something called dognip? Nobody, because dogs aren’t sneaky enough to get their owners to provide them with drugs. And cat’s have done it so well that the humans find it a genuine pleasure to watch their cats enjoy the catnip. I say “their cats”, but it’s more appropriate to say the owner actually belongs to the cat and is “their human”.
They’ve tricked the humans into thinking they should sleep inside
Dogs get put outside, and if you let them sleep inside your friends think you’re weird. Cats, however, have figured out a way to make their humans want them inside. It’s so well done that the humans even consider it a real honour when the cat decides to sleep on their bed.
They’ve tricked the humans into thinking they never need to be disciplined
The poor dogs haven’t been able to crack this one yet. There are some very amusing (to the cats, not the dogs) situations where this comes into play. If you’ve ever seen a cat take a swat at a dog, the human will go “ooooh” and laugh a little. The dog has to take it on the chin (literally) and not react. If the dog reacts and even so much as growls at the cat, the human will shout at the dog and possibly give it a whack on the nose for good measure. I bet the cats never let the dogs hear the end of this one.
They’ve tricked the humans into thinking its an honour if they sit on their lap
In the same way that the cats have fooled the humans into thinking its an honour when they sleep on their human’s bed, they also have managed to create a belief that sitting on their lap is also as much of an honour. The humans will even try desperately not to move too much, struggle to reach things and generally try not to upset the cat when it’s on their lap. Even the slightest of movement can cause the cat to revoke lap-sitting privileges.
They know how to pee in a box
Cats have even done so well in tricking the humans into wanting them inside that the humans provide them with an indoor gravel pit to pee in.
They resemble little lions or tigers. What are dogs miniature versions of?
Lions and tigers are awesome creatures, but they’re pretty scary. Your appreciation of them is diminished slightly based on the fact that if you ran into one on the street, it would eat you. As much as humans love eating other things, they generally don’t like to be eaten themselves.
They are a good model for self confidence
Cats have very high self confidence. They walk around like they actually are a 1000 pound tiger. In their minds, they are a massive predator. In their minds it is a genuine honour for the humans to have them around.
They aren’t needy
Dogs are needy. We know this. Any little piece of attention you show a dog is welcomed with the most grateful enthusiasm you will ever see. Cats don’t react the same way. You’re lucky if a cat even looks your way when you call it’s name. And it’s not that they don’t realise you’re calling them. They hear you, you see their ears slightly prick up, but they choose to ignore you. And when they do look, a lot of the time it’s them just trying to disdainfully convey the phrase “What do you want, human?”.
They can walk themselves without the help of a human
A dog will light up at the very mention of the word “walkies”. Cats don’t like being told when and where they can walk. They even go as far as to hide their tracks so that the humans can’t follow them. Even if a cat wants to go somewhere, they’ll make it a point to not go if it was the human’s idea.
They are the very definition of cool. Cool dog vs cool cat.
The only thing a “cool dog” can be is when your wiener was taken off the BBQ too early. This is never a good thing. A cool cat however is something that humans even aspire to be. If you get described as a dog, it’s probably a bad thing. Being described as a cat means you’re probably one smooth customer.
They are youtube stars and they know it
As we just found out, cats are not short of self confidence (even fat ones). Therefore they are prime candidates to be YouTube stars. As kittens, they just look cute and occasionally fall off things. Then as they mature they just knock things off tables and jump in boxes. They really do have the humans at their fingertips.
They land on their feet
Balance is an elusive beast. Heck, cows know this all too well. Cats handle themselves with grace and precision, even when hurtling towards the ground at near the speed of light. They always manage to twist and squirm their bodies into a position which allows their legs to touch the ground first, gently decelerating, then elegantly finding the responsible human to scratch, or in the very least, plot revenge against.
They have nine lives
Well, technically they don’t. But this is just another example of their amazing propaganda skills. All the press dogs manage to conjure up is that they like running after balls. Really dogs? Aim a little higher.
They don’t run after balls
Well, again, technically cats do like playing. And they don’t really mind running after things. But they won’t bring it back, on principle. The human must make all the effort. Dogs are so needy, they will bring the ball back, and if you walk away, they will pick it up and bring it to you again. Cats don’t work like that. If you want to play with them, it will be on their terms.
They bath themselves
Cats and dogs both have been equipped with giant tongues capable of licking themselves, sometimes to our disgust. But you don’t need to bath cats. And if you try, they will attempt to claw your eyes out. Dogs, however, do need to be bathed. So dependant.
They’re nimble enough to climb trees
Have you ever seen a dog try to climb a tree? How ridiculous. They don’t even come close. A cat appears to have superpowers when it climbs a tree. It can defy gravity and run straight up. Seriously, dogs, what is even the point of you?
They’ve make the humans feel needed to help them out of trees
I’m fairly certain this is their way of trying to give back. They most certainly could get down if they wanted to. I mean, they can defy gravity going up, they can probably defy it going back down again. But sometimes they want to make the humans feel needed. Don’t even get me started on a dog trying to get out of a tree.
They’re smart enough to realise food should be eaten, not buried in the ground
Cats don’t really worry about food. They know they can catch a bird anytime they are feeling peckish. And plus, the humans will feed them whenever they want. Dogs get fed like once a day, so it’s important to keep a backup, just in case they need some sustenance. But burying it in the ground, really dogs? Have you tasted dirt? Trust me, it’s not great.
They’re smart enough to realise cars are not for chasing
What is with dogs and cars? Whatever it is, dogs, please just realise, cats are laughing at you. They are calling you silly and immature. And plus, what’s the end game? If you ever even did catch up to the car, what on earth could you possibly do to it? It’s a car. It has an extra thousand kgs on you, and it’s made of metal. Plus, they’re faster than you and can squish you. Rethink your plans.
They don’t drool all over everything
Do dogs have way more saliva in their mouth than they need? Even in normal situations, they tend to slobber a fair bit. And when you bring food into the equation, you could flood the Sahara. It’s gross, dogs.
They’re too civilised to be included in a saying like “a dog eat dog world”
Dogs don’t even eat other dogs do they? So cats are in the exact same situation as dogs, except their propaganda machine has kept them away from negative press like this. Come on dogs, get your act together.
Are there any reasons that I missed? Please let me know in the comments, I genuinely want to know.